i feeling this strange and sad feeling in my heart. its like, im missing out in life. in the past, i used to ball, hang out wif avis, vana, tpcc pple and sambel. nw, everytins feels.. so wrong. i still hang around wif sambel (not that often as before), but i dont contact vana and avis anymore. i dont ball anymore. worse, i dont live in tp anymore. and i miss living there. but cannot help it. cos of probs. i hate money. if only, everytin in this world does not require money. hmm i wonder wad will the world be like. i miss my past. i miss my freedom. i miss everytin i do in the past. i realised im wrong and foolish. even though im a mother now, i realised, im not matured enough. aft tt day when i avoided bing and konglong. i felt very guilty. i dont care if i avoided the rest. but not them. they are the ones they dote on me, especially bing. i also dont know why i will act like tt. i really dont know. i hate myself being tt. i really want to be like last time, able to approach them. i cant now, why? i guess, im too ashamed of myself. i was nv ashamed of xavier. i have being all this while, ashamed of myself. i feel so pathetic of myself. pple might tell me. why should i be ashamed of myself. true, why should i. but try to put urself in my shoes, even if im thick skinned. i will still be ashamed. even if in front of u i might act as if im proud of myself. but inside, im crying. cant wait to hide my face. i dont expect bing and konglong to take the first step in approaching me. even if they did. i will be ashamed to continue taking the second step. in the first place, i should be the one. i really wan to take the first step. i guess i dont have enough courage to take it. pls god, grant me the courage to take the first step. i hope they will forgive me for the times i avoided them. i really really dont know why i will act that way. if only they knew that. im sorry.
seeing others happy lives, i envy them. i really do. im not saying my life is bad now. infact. i tink my life is exciting. you know wad? xavier is starting to learn how to walk! its so happy to witness him growing up. and the next tin he will learn is to call " MUMMY". im anticipating for that moment. i tell you. i tink i will cry and inform the whole world. haha.
but still? i still feel empty inside. god, can you hear me? if you can, i hope you can give me back my friends. i miss them so much. can i have my old life back? pls...
actually. i dont blame god for taking them away.. its my fault. i know my bad habits. how do i put it. i will forget to contact them. its not cos i forget abt them. so much things is happening in my life. i just havent learn how to balance it. god hear my prayers. grant me the wisdom to plan my time properly. if i can do that, will my friends come back to me? for the time being, can my friends contact me first? cos im really forgetful. pls. hear my prayers, amen.
i dont know why. i keep having, erm... not exactly sucidal thoughts.. but thoughts of dying.these few nights, i keep asking god. why m i not dead? i kept thinking of ways to die. but i told god. i wan to die from slping. haha, until now.. im still alive. i guess god was slping when i was discussing wif him. shit. m i having depression? erm. i dont tink so right? cos if i have depression, i wont exactly know that im having right? haha. i guess its normal... cos everyone has thoughts of dying before. im not the only one. but i must say, im a coward. haha i dont even dare to slash my wrists. stupid me. so i guess i wont kill myself. haha.
i hate being a scorpio. i hate the characteristic of a scorpio. seriously. even now, sam n i will keep fighting cos im a scorpio. like STOP IT sam! stop it. i really have enough. jus bcos she a scorpio. mus you hate all?? even though she n i are scorpio, we have our good points right?why cant you see the good points?seriously. i bet if she likes you, you will be damn happy to accept her bad points. den if you can do that, why cant you do that to me. erm, dont be mistaken.. accept me as a good fren of cos. DUH!! god. pls, let me and sam be like last time, good friends we count on each other. i dont know if she count on me but i did.
sun was avis's bdae. i didnt celebrate wif her. vana and i wanted to have a steamboat dinner wif her. but in the end, we didnt. cos we were all busy. but i read from vana's blog, she celebrated wif vis wif jayne and her twin. abit jealous. but dont blame her. haha i blame myself. see, another irritating characteristic of a scorpio. haha. told you. like sam said. scorpio are bad. and im starting to agree wif her. wow.. im sure is a very negative person. haha wad to do? im a scorpio. kk tis scorpio tingy, its getting abit irritating. sorry vis, if you even sees this, i didnt celebrate yous EIGHTEEN bdae wif you. but im glad you had great company celebrating for you. instead of wasting time meeting me, you might as well spend it wif good use. hehe. anyway, miss you and love you alrights? when im less busy, haha i wonder when.. i will contact you again! will go out! if you even want to.. haha..
woah. i seriously a person who needs help. how can i be a good mother man if im like this. xavier deserves a better mother.
dear god, pls hear my prayers and bless xavier will have a good upbringing. i will do anything to get my old life back and xavier growing up healthly, let my dad's debt be all cleared and his gambling habits die off. let my family be reunited and let them be happy. let me have my friends back and i seek forgiveness from pple i have done wrong especially bing and konglong. god pls hear my prayers. i sincerely beg you. amen.
god, just let me die. peacefully.. amen.