you are driving me so crazy that now, i dont even know wad im doing. even now, i dont even know who i am. i miss the old candice. now, im the control freak. and i hate myself for being that. pls. give me back my past. i hate you, and me.

worst day i ever had for 2008. found out something shocking. i found out that robin has been msging this girl. and she was the reason why we broke up previously. but it was nth. they were jus discussing abt game. but.. i dunno wad to say. i have been hurt once. and the scar is still there, of cos tis time the impact of finding out this wil be deeper. at first i was getting ready to slp. then all the sudden, i heard a voice in my head telling me to check robin's fone. and i did. and i found this. omg. freaky. i almost couldnt walk. my heart was so pained and hurted. even though it was midnight, i still went out. normally i will be too afraid to go out. cos robin hse there got alot of weird pple. but i dunno why. guessed was too hurt. i jus went out. downstairs, i saw this uncle. but i was so hurt and angry but i told myself, if he cm disturb me, i sure i will kick his balls. but the uncle didnt do anything. think he jus came back frm work. walk walk walk. walk to the gas station the cheers. cos i when i wanted to go out, robin's sis was outside. and i dun wan her to knw abt wad happened. so i had to lied to get out of the hse. and she asked me to buy smth for her. but was shocked to see her waiting at the entrance for me. i asked her why she was there, and she said robin's mum asked her to go cos she was worried abt me. hmm, so sweet. thanks auntie. images of robin and the girl kept flashing back into my head. i know its the past and i have to learn to let go. but seriously, the scar robin made, will always no matter wad, be there. actually, all this while, i have been thinking abt them. thinking abt wad robin's sister said to me. abt she found robin and the girl in the room. images of them holding hands and kissing is enough to make the scar in my heart deeper. had a talk wif robin. he asked for a chance to explain. but i really dont wan to hear him explain. who knows, he might lie to me again? who knows. wad hurts the most is that time when i know he went to find the girl and i asked him to come back. but he said he dont wan. i mean, omg. seriously, how will u feel? he aft he came back, he told me he wanted to break up. OMG. i can go kill myself. i tried. but i didnt die. foolish huh. luckily, at tt time there was spencer. i mean, im really grateful to him. without him there to console and all, i tink, i might have been dead by now. thank you, frm the bottom of my heart. but i doubt u will ever see this. few mth aft robin and i got back, everytin was sweet. robin was really attentive to me. i rem there was this night, he sit wif me in the living rm, jus to listen songs wif me. but aft a while, sweetness over. he start treating me like he did b4. always gaming. even when im angry, he doesnt pacify me. i hate spencer. i hate spencer for letting me go back to robin to suffer. i hate him. i kept asking myself why why why. wad have i done to deserve this. to deserve a bf who isnt caring towards me. i mean, seriously, the basic concern isnt there. and he's a very lazy bf. i asked him to send me home, he always refuses. saying its far. hello? i have friends who live in jurong and their bf live in another planet. but still? the bf still send them hm. i mean, why i dont have this privilege? u see. even i call this a privilege. to other pple, this is called neccessary. it is a must that bf shld send their gf home. my colleague once asked me, does ur bf send u home? i said no. and she said huh. wad if smth happen to u? who's fault? even if ur bf realise it's his fault, it will be too late. cos smth alr happen to u. this was when it made me think. these 4 yrs, i always so nice to him. i let him off. i dont mind if he doesnt do this or that. even for our anniversary. we dont do big celebration and we dont give each other gifts. this is how sucky our relationship is. these 4yrs. the amount of tears i cried for him is able to feed all the people in africa and stil able to feed them for another period of time. this was how much i cried for him. i tried letting go. but it hurts. alot. and now, i even more cannot let go, cos of xav. i know how it feels to have a broken family. cos now mine family is one. when i see my aunties and uncles, i envy them alot. especially my second aunt. my uncle still surprises her wif stuff even though they are married for many years. they are still so loving. hmm..
after that i went to meet bel and monkey at novena starbucks. cala came late. poor girl. she also fought wif her bf. i mean, WADS WRONG WIF THE GUYS NOW? envy bel. its like she have found her pot of gold. i see her so blissfully in love. im really happy for her. haha. i glad she gave this relationship a try. at least her bf is a gentlemen. frm wad i heard. studied a while. and then when cala came, my momentum all gone. half way studying. i thought abt robin and her again. b4 i left the hse, we kind of had a fight. cos i didnt want to tell him why im was so unhappy. but i msged him, telling him exactly how i feel. he didnt reply. at ard 8pm, he msged him asking me wad time i will be back. hmm, typical him.
back in hougang. i cannot resist. so i trash things out wif him. i asked him why tt time he betrayed me all. why he broke up. wad he did in the room wif her. he broke up wif me is cos he felt guilty. he was guilty that he was two timing me. he was together wif her for a while, even when we are together. but he said he was playing. he said he was watching dvds in the room. he sat on the floor. and her, sat on the bed. they werent even hugging. i asked why he dont want to come back. but i forgot his ans. i guess he said he jus didnt wan cos he dont know how to face me? i cannot rem. anyway, aft i let him explain, i told him. it not even fun to not take a relationship seriously. i mean, not only u hurt me, u also hurt her. cos if u dun like her, why do u even go wif her? i mean, she liked u, and u do this to her. and i told him why did we have to break up? why cant he jus do amendments? was break up neccessary? hmm, and finally i said.

lets start all over again. and he stretched out his hand and said, 'hi im robin.'
omg. idiot. :)

my life is in a huge mess. i dun even know wad im doing, thinking, WADEVER!! i need a breather, frm everything. sorrie xav. dun worry. ya not a factor. things haven been going on the way i wanted to be. i was thinking to myself. m i crazy in love? nono. are WE crazy in love wif each other? i mean, i tried to change him. omg.. i dun even know how to continue. my mind is all tingled up. help.

you are driving me crazy.

hello. im at my cousin's hse now. wanted to go home. but grandma asked me to stay there. she said later bad guys will catch me. haha cute grandma i have. or she said if i wan go home alr i will call her den she will bring me home. but i dont wan to trouble her. so i told her i wil go home in the morning. but now, im missing home. i miss slping nxt to xav. mayb i will run home later. haha. clever cousin is stressing out on whether to choose business or accountacy. haha that girl. hmm, time flies. soon she wil be in uni. and me? wrking i guess? with now my grades, wan go uni its like a nono. my cousin told me today got 34 thousand students from poly applied to uni. erm ok. now i even no more confidence to go to uni. and i heard that alot of pple now are applying to go to the science course. so, ok! anyway, stayed at home the whole of today. didnt go out. hehe good girl. but dmmit. i have sch later and im still not aslp. but i dun wan go to sch cos i guess i will be the only one frm my class who will be goin. so shld i or shld i not go. heck. jus go. tink aft class will head to novena starbucks to study. haha i know its abit far frm hougang and sch. but i dont know why. i like studying there. even though i nv studied there b4. ok, im weird.

jus wondering. m i or m i not a hypocrite? hmm. i tink i m? for example. sheena and sam. its like i bitching abt sheena to sam on one hand. and on the another hand, im nice to sheena. hmm, but i m really bitching abt her. i jus saying wad i feels. but now aft all these, i feel so guilty and shameless. sheena was there for me (ok not always), but everytime i asked her out, she will try to make time for me. but jus bcos of sam and sheena, i drifted frm her. hmm. sad huh. humans are so strange. even i cannot figure myself out. oh man. i am so so so sorry. sheena, im sorry. and pls dont think that im betraying sam. i jus wan to be a neutral party abt this. anyway this matter is long ago over. so lets not bring this up again.
jus recovered frm being ill. hmm, terrible feeling. but haven fully recovered. cos i still have sore throat and flu. terrible also. got back result. wasnt ideal AT ALL. i expected at least a C. but i got all D, and failed cellb. bt that was expected. ha. so yup. but got over my sadness.
went to meet yong herng and wendy. spent abt 70bucks. that alot. was supposed to study for my cellb supp paper. but in the end, studied only one chap. ha. better than nth. AT LAST! i got to eat my BAGEL! yummy! spent abt 10 bucks at starbucks. hai. went to dorothy perkins. got this top at 53bucks. but u see i dont always shop right? ha but now, my heart hurts a lil. went ard bugis junction. looks at necklaces and all. almost got this jade coloured ring at 9bucks. luckily didnt. see i can control my impulses. ha. not bad huh. but now, i keep thinking abt it. hahaha. hmm, mayb i shall go shopping wif babi tmr and again, decide whether i should get the ring. hahaha. but its 9BUCKS! okok. i mus control mus control...

work was alright. first few hrs very busy cos tracy need to pack the med. nxt few hrs, it was alright. can handle. :) daddy came early to fetch me today. so cannot really spend time wif babi. but babi came and brought my lemon honey drink. my dad saw and he asked for it. but he forgot to give it back. nvm la. shall be nice and let him have the drink. see im a good girl. nth else to blog. bye!

today was the day i felt most relieved. but i feel so wrong. sorrie.

went to watch 10000 B.C. it was alright. not say very very nice. it was ok. there sm humor in it. the actress is really pretty!! before that went to coffee bean to get coffee. haha tell u, babi was damn funny. too lazy and no time to said wad happened. kept laughing and laughing. later went to sushi ten or teh? i dunno. to eat. nice ambience. food was alright. i tink the manager tinks im pretty cos he gave us a tofu to sample. FOC! haha. kidding la. we were jus lucky. not cos i pretty. (i bet u knew that right?) later went to take a bus back. i tell u the journey was.. LONG man. 2hrs! left vivo at 6, rched hm at 9pm. omg. i nv ever want to go to vivo again. kind of got mad wif babi cos he didnt wan to send me hm. i mean i can understand la. hougang and tp there's quite a distance. BUT STILL?!?! and i know he's tired. fell aslp on the bus. hehe, my slp was nice. hehehehehehe. when i woke up, i saw my ring was on my left at my fourth finger. AHEM AHEM. wad does it mean?? hmmmmm...... but but but, dun happy dun happy. yst fought. i tink he's making it up today. things will go back to square one. i dare not put too much hope in thinking things will turn out the way i wanted. changed bus at bishan. babi followed me hm. felt bad cos i know he really very tired. hmm, i tink he knows cos i not happy wif him sending me home. feel really bad. but he didnt really send me to my hse doorstep. he alighted one stop before me. erm, it kinds of defeats the purpose of sending smone hm. but i mean like this its good enough. slowly slowly. but seriously. today im really happy. thank you babi for making the effort. love you.

todays was our 4yrs anniversary. things didnt turn out the way i hoped. i thought that babi will bring me to either east coast or sm jap restuarant. but nah. we jus slept the day away. on 8mar at 1am. i asked him, 'wad time is it?'. he said nth and jus answered, ' 1am.' i controlled myself i didnt not flared out infront of him. later b4 we slept, i asked him the same qns again and he said, '1.30am.' i fell aslp, disappointed. i told myself. its ok, lets give him a chance.
Morning.
he did nth, said nth. no flowers no anything. even the basic ' happy anniversary babi' also no. i told myself. its ok. i give him until evening.
Evening.
jus woke up. still nth. nth at all. asked him. 'wad time are we going hm?' i thought he will say 5pm.cos this way we can send xav hm and then we go out and celebrate. but u see, he wants xav to spend more time wif his parents. so of cos he didnt say 5pm. later suggested to go to central. called daddy and asked him to come fetch us at 8.30pm. babi got pissed off. i was like, omg, u still dare to get pissed off. he said, '8.30pm? u ownself go walk.' but instead, i jus forgave him. i didnt show any attitude to him. i called my dad again and told him 9pm.
Central.
walked walked walked. still nv do anything. nt even the simplest, 'happy anniversary babi.' daddy came at 8.30.told babi and he got pissed off again. WHY CANT HE FUCKING HEL UNDERSTAND THAT MY DAD ALSO GOT OTHER PASSENGER?? U TINK U GOT THE WHOLE DAY JUS FOR U?? his this attitude, i hate it, ALOT.
Home.
wanted to catch a movie. but after awhile i thought, hmm, anyway i got work tmr. so might as well watch movie tmr. told babi that. got angry. expected. later in the room, gave him a final chance. asked him wad time izzit. and finallly said '10.30pm. happy anniversary.' i told him 'too late.' and he got angry. i cried, badly.
so. this was how i celebrated my 4yrs.
i thought to myself. valentine day. didnt do anything. no flowers no anything. the day when i gave birth. no flowers no anything. 4yrs anni. no flowers no anything. wow, wad a great relationship i have. to think i wanted to lost sm weight for this day so that when we go out, i will look good. i went running on mon. to think aft chalet so tired i can go home and slp but i chose not to, i went to ikea. to get the stupid board for him. so i can make smthin nice for him. but i haven do it cos i haven get the materials ready. i dont feel like doing it. but afterall, i have also have to do my part. and i dont want to be like him.

hmm. chalet was alright. as usual, arrived damn late and once again, NO CHICKEN WINGS! all i ate was 3 hot dogs, one cup noodle(btw, it was tasteless), and one small piece of stingray. and i paid $15. hmm, but fun la. cos we played heart attack, cards game. keep shouting that all i know. slept at 5.30 like tt. woke up at 10.30 cos need to book out. but i tell u, ck damn funny. he was like damn gentle when he call me and wendy to wake up. he was like "wake up, wake up. wan late alr." he said it so softly until i have no choice but to wake up laughing. i didnt really laugh cos i was slpy. later went to ikea wif wendy and shijia. went to brought smth to make for robin. want to give him tmr, but i doubt i can even complete it. cos i dun have all the materials i need! hai, once again. LAST MIN. ate two hotdogs and one curry puff. thats alot. i know. but its damn nice. i cannot resist. :) went to work. work was fine. played ds lite, cooking mama! nice game. had a small fight, vry small, wif robin. lazy to talk abt it. went home. the end.

my first attempt to exercise was er, not really successful cos i walked most of my run. but still, I RAN. so i guess i deserve a clap?? *clap clap* anyway, today spent the whole day at home playing wif xav. i got so many cute videos of him walking! yeay! finially, he can walk steadily. ok not that steady but still its an improvement. as least he can walk frm the rm to the living rm to the rm again without falling. :) nth much to blog abt anyway. so guess i go find more yahoo games to waste time! byebye!

jus came back frm work. felt good to go bac to work cos for the whole of last week, i didnt not go to work. mon was emily and wed which i supposed to wrk, emily swopped her thurs wif me. but unfortunately, thurs dr yap close. i realised i have this weird personality of mine. i love to keep talking until one point when others cannot tolerate. even i myself hates that. but i dont know why. actually i didnt JUS realise it. i found out like yrs ago. hmm, so yup. CHANGE CANDICE, CHANGE. this few days i have been staying at home, living the life of a pig. first attempt to exercise at the garden today failed. ha, expected. hope tmr's attempt to run will not fail. cos seriously, I NEED TO EXERCISE. i remembered betting wif bel and sam that i will get back in shape within three mths. hahahahaha. its been one yr alr. and im getting fatter. oh god, I NEED HELP! was reading this book by susan elizabeth phillips, 'This Heart of Mine'. quite a nice book. first few pages got me addicted. manage to finish this bk in TWO DAYS! YAY. tink two days is my best record ever. alrights, tink im done here. better go check on xav whether is he aslp. i tink he starting to take over me, smone who slps very late. oh man, help.

went to watch 'leap years' yst wif babi at gv bishan. nice show. abit draggy, but i like it. the story have very great meaning and the way they pronounce their words, wow, amazing man. but the service was BAD. the guy who we bought the tickets frm, was very rude. he couldnt hear wad robin said. so instead of saying 'excuse me' or 'sorry?' he gave the irritated look and said 'WHAT?' like HELLO!?!?! and he tried to slang all. like omg, he look so gay. should not mention his name. wow, wan kill him. i asked for center row, he gave me the last row?!?!?omg.. he really spoil my mood all. but lucky, leap years was a good show. or else, i really will get mad and complain abt the guy's attitude.

TODAY.
was peiyu's bdae. wanted to celebrate it at the beach. but it was raining heavily. everyone got wet, except xav. why? cos we were sheltering him. good life. went home and celebrated it at home. cake was alright, taste abit like milo. ha! and the night ended jus like tt. alrights tink i will get back to my game. JOJO fashion design! nice game. even my cousins are addicted to it.